Is my partner addicted to porn?
Does your partner watch porn so much that it makes you uncomfortable? Maybe they can’t orgasm without it. Maybe they’re watching once, or even multiple times, a day. Maybe it’s happening at work or other places you think are totally inappropriate. So, is this a sign of porn addiction?
Porn is a hot-button topic, loaded with personal, cultural, and moral quandries about sexuality. What I’m sharing comes from the perspective of a sex-positive couples therapist. I’m not here to change your values or beliefs but simply offer a professional, research-based view that pushes back against the shame and fear often surrounding sex, sexuality, and porn.
Is porn addiction a thing?
While the topic of “sex addiction” (including subsects like “porn addiction”) is widely popular, the topic has been highly criticized (and highly debated) in research communities due to its lack of ability to demonstrate research that sex/porn addiction are addictions in the way substances and gambling are considered addictions.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), utilized widely by mental health professionals in the U.S., has declined to acknowledge “porn addiction” or “sex addiction” as identifiable disorders. The World Health Organization (WHO) has acknowledged in their 11th version of disease classifications (also known as the ICD-11) an issue of “Compulsive Sexual Behavior Disorder,” but specifically refuting its classification as an addiction.
What does this tell us? This tells us that major national and international health organizations have both viewed and done research around the legitimacy of sex and/or porn addiction and recognized how incomparable it is to addiction such as substances or other process disorders like gambling. It is also my belief, as a couples therapist and sex therapist, the issues around “sex addiction” or “porn addiction” are less issues of ‘addiction’ and more reflections of moral quandaries than anything else.
The issues around sex or porn ‘addiction’ are less issues of addiction and more reflections of moral quandaries than anything else.
However, sexual behavior around sex and porn can still be problematic. And it can still feel out of control. If you have an issue or strong feelings around your partner’s use—or if you partner themselves has an issue with their use-–that is valid. And it may still be a cause for concern that requires a closer look. However, to liken sex or porn use to addictions like substances and gambling that have decades of valid, reliable, and reproducible research, is doing a huge disservice to the people whose sexual behaviors may have other underlying issues to address.
While the topics of “porn addiction” and “sex addiction” have been popular in the media lately, the topics have been highly debated and criticized in research communities. That’s because, unlike substance or gambling addictions, sex and porn-use don’t have strong scientific evidence proving they meet the criteria of true addictions.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), used by mental health professionals in the U.S. to diagnose, doesn’t recognize “porn addiction” or “sex addiction” as official disorders. Additionally, the World Health Organization (WHO) does acknowledge “Compulsive Sexual Behavior Disorder” in its ICD-11, but it specifically rejects labeling it as an addiction.
What does this mean? It tells us that major health organizations have studied this issue and found “sex addiction” and “porn addiction” don’t compare to known addictions such as substance or gambling. From my perspective as a therapist, I believe these so-called “addictions” of porn and sex often reflect moral conflicts more than clinical addiction.
That said, sexual behaviors related to sex and porn can still be problematic and feel out of control. If you or your partner are struggling, your concerns are real and deserve attention. But comparing sex or porn use to addictions with decades of solid research, like drugs or gambling, risks overlooking other underlying issues that might need to be addressed.
Maybe it’s not an “addiction.” But it’s still a problem. What is it?
First, let me validate that even if porn is not an addiction issue, it can still feel out-of-control, impulsive, and/or problematic. By declassifying porn as an addiction, we can properly help our partners (or even ourselves) address any underlying issue that may be happening. So, if it’s not an addiction… what is it?
🌀 1.An underlying mood disorder issue
One of the top reasons why someone may present with issues around their porn use is a possible underlying mood disorder—for example, depression. When people are in a low mood and struggling with depression, they may try to find ways to experience pleasure, joy, or dopamine in any way they can. This isn't necessarily because porn is addictive but rather due to the effects of depression. As a result, people may naturally turn to an activity that is free, pleasurable, and easily accessible and use porn to facilitate that experience.
If someone struggling with their porn use is directed to focus solely on porn as the problem, they may miss the underlying issue of depression, which requires specific treatment. Another interesting piece to consider, some people might experience more sexual interest while depressed. On a recent episode of the Sex and Psychology podcast by Dr. Justin Lehmiller, Dr. Nicole Prause (licensed psychologist and sex researcher) discussed research suggesting that, while the majority of people with depression experience a decrease in sexual interest, there is a notable amount of folks who experience an increase. This may also help explain a subset of individuals whose self-pleasure and/or porn use shifts in connection with an underlying mood disorder.
🩺 2. An underlying medical or other mental health issue
At times, an underlying health issue may help explain someone’s sexual dysregulation. Whether it’s a preexisting condition or a newly developed one, sexual dysregulation can sometimes be better understood as a symptom of that health issue rather than an issue related solely to sexuality or porn use.
For example, epilepsy often results in increased sexual behaviors, and a traumatic brain injury can lead to an increase in risky sexual behaviors. Additionally, certain Parkinson’s medications have been linked to heightened impulsivity, which may result in hypersexuality. In some mental health conditions, such as bipolar disorder, individuals may experience manic episodes that involve increased sexual drive or risky sexual behaviors. Those with borderline personality disorder (BPD) may also engage in impulsive sexual behaviors during periods of emotional dysregulation. These medical issues without evaluation or assessment from a doctor or mental health professional may go unrecognized and under-treated.
🛑 3. Our own moral quandaries
Research in sexuality studies shows that the number one predictor of perceived porn or sex addiction issues is moral incongruence (MI). MI is the state of conflict between one’s moral beliefs and values and their own actions or behaviors. These moral beliefs are often shaped by influences such as religion, family upbringing, and broader cultural or community norms.
For example, if you grew up being taught that porn or nudity is wrong or sinful, you're more likely to view porn use (whether yours or your partner's) as immoral. The distress you experience around a partner’s porn use may have more to do with your own moral beliefs about sexual imagery than with the actual frequency or nature of use.
Why it’s important to declassify porn use as an “addiction”
It’s easier to dismiss our sexual behaviors such as porn use as something like an addiction. If we can dismiss it as an addiction, we do them a disservice by chastising their behavior and not addressing any potential underlying issues—potentially adding to further harm. They may also disregard any autonomy or accountability they have over their use because (like other addictions) it’s “out of their control.”
Additionally, many porn addiction approaches may use punitive, shaming approaches to ‘becoming sober.’ This may add further distress when people “fall off the wagon” and use porn or use other mediums like semi-nude images of people on social media or undergarment catalogues.
But there is nothing to be ashamed of for wanting to use porn as a catalyst for our self-pleasure activities. Even if it’s content we want to deem ‘shameful.’ Of course, as long as it’s content created by consenting adult performers. More on ethical porn here. Self-pleasure and porn may be used as a way of coping but by shaming our desire to do so can create an unhealthy, shameful relationship to our sexuality, which has long-term impact on the sexual relationship we have with ourselves and with our partners.
If your partner’s use of porn is an issue in your relationship, consider discussing with a couples therapist who specializes in sex-related issues. If you are interested in consulting with us on this topic at Belonging Counseling, please reach out to us here. We’d love to chat.
This content is for informational purposes only and is not intended to diagnose you or your partner of any particular issue. Everyone’s symptoms and presentation is different so be sure to speak with a qualified professional about you or your partner’s situation for assessment.
