Enmeshment vs. Collectivism

What is a collectivistic culture?

A collectivistic culture is one in which individual members prioritize the needs of the collective. Members may rely on each other practically, socially, financially, etc. and cooperate to create interdependence. Some examples of countries that foster collectivism are Mexico, China, South Korea, Ghana, Pakistan, Turkey, etc.

The opposite is an individualistic culture. An individualistic culture is one in which independence and self-reliance is valued over the needs of the group. Each member is encouraged to be self-dependent and self-sufficient and responsible for their own self. Examples of individualistic cultures are the United States, Germany, Australia, Ireland, etc.

Every family, group, culture, nation trends in one direction or another. And many countries have varying degrees of collectivism vs. individualism especially when you consider immigrants who may come from one area with one ideology but move into a new area with a different ideology. 

How to determine if your family dynamic is enmeshment or collectivism

How do we know if our family dynamics are a result of enmeshment vs. collectivism? Where’s the line between “we’re a tight-knit family who supports each other” vs. “I can’t be myself because I’m expected to think and feel like they do.” 

The answer: you must explore that and make that determination yourself. 

In collectivistic cultures, it’s normal for family members to expect a lot from each other because mutual sacrifice is part of the dynamic. For example, a 17-year-old might sacrifice a more prestigious school for a nearby college instead to help care for younger siblings for their single, working parent. To outsiders, this might seem like giving up a dream. But the student may also benefit by living rent-free, getting home-cooked meals, and having strong emotional support. In this context, the trade-off can feel less like a burden and more like family working together.

But in enmeshment, the student would be making decisions from a different place. In enmeshment, the emotional and psychological lines between family members are blurred. Perhaps the parent always dreamed of the student attending UT. With the parent’s wishes in mind, they apply only to UT. But the student secretly dreams of going to this other school out of state. But their own desires are buried so deep, they’re unsure if choosing UT was ever their decision or just their parent’s dream. 

In both examples, a student decides to go to college close-by with influence from the parent. If a mental health professional isn’t careful to understand cultural context, they may deduce this person “has unhealthy boundaries with parent.” Because we live in an American, individualistic society, the therapist may conclude that the decision is a loss of independence. But within a collectivistic framework, it can represent love, loyalty, and practical support.

Final Thoughts

I must also give a warning that the difference isn’t as simple as “what does each person get out of it?” If everyone benefits, it’s collectivism. If only one person benefits, it’s enmeshment. That’s not the conclusion I hope people derive from this. There are so many nuances to these dynamics that it requires much self-reflection, investigation, and conversation to figure out what is present in each family dynamic. It’s even possible to be both collectivistic and enmeshed. 

In a collectivistic and enmeshed family, they typically deeply value interdependence and mutual care while also struggling with blurred emotional boundaries that prevent healthy individuation. Cultural norms don't make families immune to dysfunction, but neither should dysfunction be assumed just because the family doesn't practice American norms.

The best advice I can give is work through these conversations with a mental health professional who understands the difference between enmeshment and collectivism. They can help you figure out what dynamics are present in your family and how to deal with them. And with the right kind of therapist, they can help you sift through all the nuances of your family dynamics, your thoughts and feelings, your behavior, and wellbeing and capacity to show up for others.