Enmeshment vs. Collectivism
In my experience as a latina therapist in this white-dominated field, I’ve noticed a pattern in white clinicians labeling the experiences of people of color as “enmeshment.” Or they may say “there’s a lack of boundaries” in the family. But that isn’t always true—and naming enmeshment without fully considering the cultural context can be harmful.
Let’s take a dive into understanding enmeshment and understanding it in the context of collectivistic cultures vs. individualistic cultures.
“Enmeshment is a relationship dynamic that blurs the psychological and emotional boundaries between its members.”
What is enmeshment?
Enmeshment is a term used to describe a dynamic in which the boundaries between family members are blurred, making it difficult to differentiate psychological and emotional differences between each member. It is considered an unhealthy family dynamic as it stifles members from developing their own identity, causes over-involvement and leads to conflict and dependency, and suppression of your own desires to please the other person.
One can be enmeshed with anyone in the family but it is most commonly seen in a parent/guardian and child relationship (even if the “child” is an adult). A common example of this in popular media is the relationship between Lorelai and Rory Gilmore in the show “Gilmore Girls.” Rory, the daughter, goes most of her life saying she dreams of attending Harvard—a dream heavily influenced by Lorelai (mom). But upon choosing a university, she begins to question that dream. Do I really want to go there or was it just something I said to please my mom?
What is a collectivistic culture?
A collectivistic culture is one in which individual members prioritize the needs of the collective. Members may rely on each other practically, socially, financially, etc. and cooperate to create interdependence. Some examples of countries that foster collectivism are Mexico, China, South Korea, Ghana, Pakistan, Turkey, etc.
In a collectivistic culture, members may often make individual sacrifices at the benefit of the collective. An example of this is a recent college graduate making the choice to take a job close to their hometown where their aging parents live instead of a more prestigious job in NYC. The tradeoff is perhaps parents cook dinner for their adult child every night. Or perhaps parents had allowed adult child to live with them rent free for the last 4 years. Now the adult child sticks around to help aging parents as needed as relying on each other is seen as acceptable and encouraged. This is collectivism.
The opposite is an individualistic culture. An individualistic culture is one in which independence and self-reliance is valued over the needs of the group. Each member is encouraged to be self-dependent and self-sufficient and responsible for their own self. Examples of individualistic cultures are the United States, Germany, Australia, Ireland, etc. An example of this would be parents who expect their 18 year old child, upon high school graduation, to start getting a job and paying their own bills. The parents may see this as encouraging independence in order for the 18 year old to start becoming self-sufficient without the help of the parents.
Every family, group, culture, nation trends in one direction or another. And many countries have varying degrees of collectivism vs. individualism especially when you consider immigrants who may come from one area with one ideology but move into a new area with a different ideology.
The Problem with Assuming
In collectivistic cultures, it’s normal for family members to expect a lot from each other because mutual sacrifice is part of the dynamic. But an outsider, or a therapist unfamiliar with collectivistic cultures, may see these sacrifices as an issue of enmeshment and a lack of boundaries. In enmeshment, the emotional and psychological lines between family members are blurred. The therapist may assume that you’re not taking the “prestigious job in NYC” because “you lack boundaries with your parents.” Or they assume that “you only want to please your parents—that’s why you stayed.” Otherwise, who would turn down at job in New York City!
But that assumption is missing so much cultural context. And in missing that culture context, the therapist may give guidance and advice that ultimately hurts the family dynamic and misunderstands the client. Because we live in an American, individualistic society, the therapist may conclude that the decision is a loss of independence. But within a collectivistic framework, it can represent love, loyalty, and practical support.
How to determine if your family dynamic is enmeshment or collectivism
How do we know if our family dynamics are a result of enmeshment vs. collectivism? Where’s the line between “we’re a tight-knit family who supports each other” vs. “I can’t be myself because I’m expected to think and feel like they do.”
The answer: you must explore that and make that determination yourself.
Unfortunately, I can’t answer that question for you. Nor would I want to! Your unique situation can be so layered and complex, to take a general guess would be disservice to you. There are so many nuances to these dynamics that it requires much self-reflection, investigation, and conversation to figure out what is present in each family dynamic. It’s even possible to be both collectivistic and enmeshed.
“It’s even possible to be both collectivistic and enmeshed.”
In a collectivistic and enmeshed family, they typically deeply value interdependence and mutual care while also struggling with blurred emotional boundaries that prevent healthy individuation. Cultural norms don't make families immune to dysfunction, but neither should dysfunction be assumed just because the family doesn't practice American norms.
The best advice I can give is work through these conversations with a mental health professional who understands the difference between enmeshment and collectivism. They can help you figure out what dynamics are present in your family and how to deal with them. And with the right kind of therapist, they can help you sift through all the nuances of your family dynamics, your thoughts and feelings, your behavior, and wellbeing and capacity to show up for others.
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