6 Ways We (Unproductively) Manage Emotions
There is a multitude of ways to manage emotions. And as a therapist, I don’t believe any way is bad. I believe some are more helpful than others, or considered “healthier” for us. But I don’t believe that our coping strategies are morally bad. They’re just…unproductive, at times.
Shove It Down
Feeling overwhelmed by emotions you don’t know what to do with, some of us shove down the emotion deep. You swallow the anger, sadness, shame etc. and keep it pushing.
The problem with “shoving it down” like this is that much like the saying “what goes up, must come down”—feelings have a way of coming out—one way or another. And in unexpected ways. Sometimes they come out as an explosion directed at others (see more on #2) and sometimes as an implosion like depression, anxiety, heart attacks, high blood pressure, etc.
Shoving It Down rarely keeps the emotions down forever and eventually they find their way out–whether you want them to or not. Our brains and bodies are smart, and they’ll do what they can to be okay again. Even if it means making you sick—and forcing you to care for yourself—to get there.
2. Spit Take
You know how in sitcoms there’s always a scene where someone says something outlandish and the other person spits out water (unexpectedly) all over the place? Maybe even on someone’s face? That’s a spit take. Now imagine instead of water—emotions.
When you “spit take” emotionally on others, you may be pushing your emotions onto others with anger, frustration, and stress. They are emotions that are hard to tolerate and contain, so it bursts out onto others in the form of yelling, cursing, being mean, etc. You can spit take onto others directly; you can spit take into the air. The space fills with the energy of your emotions and when you’re around others–they might even be able to tell.
Sometimes, this may be the goal. You may want others to feel the intensity of what you feel. So you spit take. And other times, you may not realize you’re doing it. While unintentional, it can lead to harm to you and your loved ones—to experience all of that intensity in your behavior coming from your unmanaged emotions.
3. Numb
When your feelings become too much to manage, sometimes you turn to numbing to cope. And numbing can come in many different forms:
Substances
Food
Social media
TV
Sex
Work
The common thread here is using something to “lose ourselves” to makes the feelings tolerable or ignorable–even if temporarily. You turn to these items/actions to numb from whatever overwhelms you, but it’s a band-aid to a bigger problem. We may even turn to these items/actions as a way of feeling something pleasant—like joy and excitement. And many times, it works. But when we use it to numb, eventually it stops feeling pleasant.
I want to make it very clear that I’m not condemning any of these practices. Even in large amounts. Partaking in any of these items does not necessarily mean that you’re numbing. The difference is your ability to enjoy and stay present. For example, if I binge-watched a TV show and truly enjoyed the entire 6 hours I took to do it–this is not numbing. But if instead I reached a point where I was no longer enjoying and instead in some kind of trance without being present with myself–that’s numbing.
4. Freeze and Take No Action
Freeze and taking no action is the “freeze” in fight, flight, freeze. It is a stress response to feeling overwhelmed by emotions and typically not something we choose–it just takes over. Entering the freeze state doesn’t go from 0 to 100. There’s a gradual slide from emotional dysregulation to full on hypoarousal (freeze state). When you start to feel dysregulated, it can be like feeling spacey; losing track of time; feeling tired and sluggish. When you’re in full hypoarousal, you may start to feel zoned out, numb (both physically and emotionally) and exhausted or sleepy.
Because this stress response is typically out of our control, it’s not necessarily “unproductive” as the title of this post suggests. But the more we learn about the ways overwhelming emotions can take over, the more we can take agency over caring for ourselves. When we recognize we are in the freeze response, we can enact practices such as mindfulness techniques to help us come out of it.
5. Ignore and Avoid
And last but not least is good ol’ fashioned ‘avoidance’. You ignore and avoid the emotions associated with your issues—and perhaps the issues themselves. Our bodies give us cues to our emotional state: a tension in jaw, the tightening of shoulders, the flexing of a foot, or balling of a fist, etc. But when you ignore and avoid these cues, it’s all in service of not feeling discomfort. You sweep our issues under the rug; you avoid confrontation; you don’t communicate with others; and you pretend things aren’t falling apart. And while the consequences of ignoring and avoiding may not be immediate, eventually they catch up.
None of these strategies are bad or evil. There’s nothing morally wrong with these coping strategies. Sometimes, these strategies are the best we can do to cope or stay alive. And that’s okay. If you are fully in survival mode, doing what you can to get by, and practicing these to stay alive—I completely understand.
But if these strategies seem familiar yet tiresome and you’re wanting to make a change—you may be entering a phase of life in which you recognize these ways of coping with emotion no longer serve you. And if you’re interested in figuring out how you can make these changes, consider connecting with a therapist who can help you explore how to deal with your emotions in a sustainable way.
If you’re interested in working with us, schedule a consult here.
