Grief in Healing

I thought healing was going to look like this. But instead it looked like this.

Clients are often surprised by the amount of grief and sadness that comes up in the healing process. People often expect healing to feel relieving, freeing, and even peaceful—exclusively. And many times, it does feel that way. But what people don’t expect is to also feel grief and sadness alongside that relief.

Why does grief accompany peace?

Grief is a complex emotion—no one has to have died in order for you to feel grief. Grief can come with the loss of a relationship, the loss of the person you could have been, or the loss of the relationship you could’ve had with a parent if only they had been able to heal. Sometimes, in the middle of experiencing peace, grief hits us suddenly. Other times, it slips in quietly. Either way, it takes up space and waits to be acknowledged.

Healing doesn’t always remove grief. Sometimes, healing creates enough safety for us to finally feel it.

Grief is a reminder of all the pain and disappointment we have endured. It lives in the parts of us that grieve what was lost and what it cost to be here, in this place of peace. And it deserves to be felt and experienced.

Is this a sign of me regressing?

Experiencing grief is not necessarily a sign of regression. If I’ve processed my trauma, why am I still struggling with sadness? It's a question many people ask. But healing from trauma or painful experiences does not necessarily free us from the pain of our past. Healing helps us cope with and accept what happened, but it does not erase it.

It’s okay to experience grief. It can remind us not only of what we’ve lost, but also of our resilience and the parts of us that deserve acknowledgment for all they have been through. It doesn’t mean we’re not "actually healed." It simply means those parts of us still need compassion and acknowledgment.

What do I do with this grief?

Feel it. Let it move through you and visit you as needed. Like other grief experiences, it will come in waves. Sometimes the waves will curl around you and move past you. Sometimes they will crash over you and pull you under. But if we allow those waves to come and go, rather than fighting them, they eventually recede.