When Your Partner Refuses Couples Therapy
You want to start couples therapy, but your partner will not agree to it. Perhaps you haven’t mentioned it yet, but you just know they won’t go for it. Maybe it’s an educated guess based on past experiences.
Regardless, I’ve seen this many times over as a couples therapist—people reaching out wanting to work with me but struggling to get their partner to agree to couples therapy. But you want to start the work. You’re ready to make a change.
And it can feel lonely to care deeply about the relationship and feel like you’re the only one pushing for something different.
So, what now?
Why Won’t My Partner Go To Couples Therapy?
First, let’s explore some reasons why your partner may not want to start couples therapy. But keep in mind: if your partner has not told you directly why they don’t want to go, you may be assuming and not giving them a chance to explain. Maybe it’s an educated guess, but an assumption nonetheless. And if you assume the wrong reasons, you may unintentionally contribute to further conflict in your relationship, unfairly criticize or judge your partner, or miss the real underlying issue.
Common reasons some partners hesitate to agree to couples therapy:
They’re not ready/don’t want to be called out on their actions in the relationship
It feels too vulnerable
They have preconceived notions about what therapy will be like
They’re afraid of what it will say about them and the relationship if y’all go to couples therapy
They’ve done therapy before and it didn’t work/go well
They’re ok with the relationship situation
There are cultural factors that make therapy taboo
They’re uncertain about the relationship but afraid to confront that with you–let alone in couples therapy
Often, underneath resistance is fear. Fear of being exposed, fear of failing, or fear that therapy will confirm something they’re not ready to face.
If your partner has already shared why they don’t want to go, you’re in a better position to respond to their actual concern rather than what you imagine it might be. But ultimately, if your partner decides they’re not interested in couples therapy, you can’t make them go. You could issue an ultimatum, but it likely won’t create meaningful change.
I’ve seen many couples where one partner was clearly there just to “check a box.” While it’s meaningful when someone agrees to come (especially if they continue choosing to come), research consistently shows that the best outcomes in therapy come from people who have a genuine desire for change. And if your partner shows up out of pure obligation with no real desire for change, your relationship will not change.
So What Can You Do?
If you can’t force your partner to attend couples therapy, the most productive place to turn is inward.
I encourage you to ask yourself:
What am I hoping will happen as a result of couples therapy?
How do I see our relationship changing?
In what ways do I hope my partner will change?
In what ways do I hope I will change?
What would it mean to me if my partner agreed to do this?
What does it mean to me that they said no?
How might I be contributing to my partner feeling closed off about couples therapy?
These questions aren’t about blame. They’re about clarity.
Sometimes the request for couples therapy represents more than just therapy. It may symbolize being chosen, being prioritized, or feeling like your partner is willing to fight for the relationship. Getting clear on that can help you communicate from a place of vulnerability rather than frustration.
Is Couples Therapy the Only Option?
Despite being a couples therapist, I don’t believe couples therapy is the end-all, be-all of relationship repair. Couples can absolutely work through issues with the right skills, insight, and support—even if that support doesn’t come in the form of couples therapy.
Therapy is one tool. A powerful one—but not the only one.
Couples therapy is meant to be a space where you learn relationship skills and receive guidance from someone who isn’t on either side, but on the side of the relationship itself.
If you want your partner to consider (or reconsider) their stance, here are some approaches that may help:
Communicate clearly and openly what couples therapy would mean to you, the impact you hope it will have, and why that’s important.
Reassure your partner of your commitment to showing up openly and taking accountability for your part.
Acknowledge any cultural or personal beliefs that may make therapy feel uncomfortable or exposing.
Respect their decision—and allow it to inform what you do next.
Respecting their decision doesn’t mean suppressing your needs. It means accepting the reality of where they are. From there, you may choose to pursue individual therapy, continue the conversation differently, reassess your expectations, or reflect more deeply on what you need in a partnership.
You don’t have to wait for your partner to begin doing meaningful work. You can start that process yourself. If you’re navigating this and feeling stuck, individual therapy can be a powerful place to gain clarity about your relationship, your needs, and your next steps—whether or not your partner ever agrees to couples therapy.
I hope this offers some perspective as you and your partner navigate this difficult decision. And if you’re interested in either individual or couples therapy, reach out to us here.
