What is one skill I wish all couples would use in an argument?

What is the one skill I wish all couples would use in an argument? One skill that’s so simple in theory but more challenging with practice? Keep reading and I'll share with you a tip that may help you and your partner “fight better.”

When couples get into a conflict, each one is trying their best to get their point across and be understood. We say what we think about the situation and if we don’t feel heard or understood, we might even start raising our voices or begin flailing our arms in desperation. We think, “if only you just heard and understood my point of view fully, you would see that I’m right. Or at least making a really good point.” 

But the issue is both partners are trying to achieve this at the same time. One partner is focused on communicating how upset they felt coming home and still seeing the pile of dirty dishes. And the other partner is focused on making the other understand the pressure they’re under at work and how hard it is to keep up with house chores lately. 

“When both partners try to say their piece, no one does.”

Each partner is trying hard to make their point and the result is the couple gets stuck in this conflict. The conflict may result in walking away and “shoving it under the rug” or the conflict builds and other issues come up–resulting in a mountain of unresolved conflict. And then neither partner feels heard or understood, and we’re back at square one.

In order to avoid this negative loop, here is one skill I discuss with my clients in couples therapy: Conceding the Stage

Conceding The Stage

Conceding the Stage is all about allowing your partner to “take the stage” when it comes to how they feel and what they think about a situation. The metaphor I’m using here is the image of a stage with a spotlight and a mic–and it’s your partner’s turn to take it while you sit in the audience and listen!

By “Conceding the Stage” and allowing your partner to have the spotlight and mic, this allows your partner time and space to fully communicate about a situation without interruption or interjection. And it’s your job as the audience member to listen intently (without waiting your turn to say your thing). Don’t sit back, cross your arms, and close your ears, and practice the response you have waiting on your lips. Truly listen and show your partner that you are listening and verbalize what you think you’re hearing (a different skill for another time).

"Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen
with the intent to reply." - Stephen R. Covey, author of The 7
Habits of Highly Effective People

And I know what you’re thinking, “What about me?” “What about my turn to take the stage?” “When will it be my turn?” Here’s the thing about conceding the stage:

• Both partners will have the opportunity to take the stage, just not at the same time

• If you concede the stage to your partner, you are showing that what they think and feel
  is important and you want to know

• If both partners commit to conceding the stage to each other, you are creating balance
  and an opportunity to compromise and work together to choose who goes first

Of course, this is not the only skill required to get through conflict in a relationship. Other skills are required such as emotional attunement, self regulation, communicating understanding, etc. But Conceding the Stage can be a solid start to help you move forward in your conflict and avoid falling into gridlock. 

If you like what you’ve heard so far and would like to learn more about skills in a relationship, reach out to us at Belonging Counseling here.